Leave me alone

2007-09-05T18:36:00.000+08:00

Uninvited
Morissette Alanis

like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
like any hotblooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave

but you you're not allowed
you're uninvited
an unfortunate slight

must be strangely exciting
to watch the stoic squirm
must be somewhat heartening
to watch shepherd meet shepherd

but you you're not allowed
you're uninvited
an unfortunate slight

like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
you speak of my love like
you have experienced love like mine before

but this is not allowed
you're uninvited
an unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

I really like it the way the gothic symphonic mix of loud electric guitars and violin are so beautifully fitting and harmonious, and the way the lyrics do not sink into the melody and flow like most songs do.

was it intentional?

i'd like to think it completes the entirety of meaning of the song. langarts. muahahaha.

being sick

2007-09-03T21:31:00.000+08:00

being sick kinda helps you realise how volatile circumstances can be.

people say, in life, many people let you down. the only one you can trust is yourself.

is that really so?

how many times have we failed ourselves?

i ate spicy seaweed last night even though i was feeling feverish, and my nose was leaking like a tap. i came online, watched xmen 3 even though i should be sleeping.

today i am non-functional.

>< hurhur. guilt.

grawh. a toast to wilful girls and september rain, and brains that don't work.

2007-09-02T23:48:00.000+08:00

maybe this is the way you teach me how to learn

how to carry my cross and follow you.

2007-08-31T21:07:00.000+08:00

i didn't go back to scgs today.

2007-08-29T17:19:00.000+08:00

do you know how painful it was for me to talk to you like that?
to hear you say things like that?
i'm not going to romanticize it nor dramatize it by saying
rubbish like
you broke my heart you farthead
or that you left me behind.

i will say that you're so full of shit

and i miss you.

i should have known the gamble i was making when i said you were my friend.

it sucks i never was yours.

2007-08-29T00:14:00.000+08:00

i would have loved for us to stroll,
down the beach
down where the salty breeze tickles
our noses
our mouths
our hair

we would run
oh how we would run
chasing imaginary targets
to collapse laughing
onto soft blankets of the shore's sandy carpets

roll around abit
perhaps
watch each other abit
perhaps
laugh a little too
perhaps

and watch the sun set into the orange blue pastel colour like salty salty sea

and laugh at the times that have since past
ancient history to some

i would have loved for us to stroll,
down the beach
down where the salty breeze tickles
our noses
our mouths
our hair

perhaps

but you wouldn't.

oh where my love are you?

the sun is waiting.

Pablo Neruda

2007-08-27T16:20:00.000+08:00

i think that Pablo Neruda writes beautiful poetry.

he was a political activist, and he won the nobel prize for literature to alot of controversy. i wish i knew the heart of the man with the hands who penned poems such.

Saddest Poem
Pablo Neruda

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

For You I Will

2007-08-26T21:19:00.000+08:00

i have to admit that
our minds don't touch

as light subtle
butterfly wings

as cool lemonade
at midday

we still play ice breakers
we still run around in circles

we force us to walk
the emotional plank

we watch dancing shadows
in silence

you with your book

i watch you read

i with my phone

you listen to the clicking on my phone pad

and our hands fit

hugs are always welcome

tears flow free

because we are

you and me.

Post Auditions

2007-08-26T21:08:00.000+08:00

We went to the GE branch at Grange Road for Youth Science Conference Emcee Auditions. I can't believe i'm saying this, but i actually missed a valuable physics lesson because i had to leave early.

it was amusing because we all had to stand up to say, more or less the same speech, with improvisations here and there. There was RGS, NUS High, RI, Nanyang, HCI etc. 16 of us only, and they need only 12. hahahaha.

this is post auditions outing. outing? eh. a walk-walk session around taka. (:

Fart and the Fat one.

Everyone is beautiful? We have cut it down to specifics. (:

And the wall came crumbling down. HAHAHAHAHAH.

take two? (:

I went to meet Lynn and Danni-poo after, to watch Mr Bourne kick ass. No pictures for that unfortunately. But i love friends. they make life here easier to live.

2007-08-23T18:57:00.000+08:00

oh baby i wish the anxiety attacks will stop
panic buttons out of control
the hot breath of despair on my neck
i notice the shadows
i notice the shadows move
did they?
honey did you see?
or maybe you cannot share this with me

would you take me on your go-cart
out to the hills
out to the hills where the air is fresh and sweet
would you run with me?
arms wide open around trees and flowers and fields and.
no sugar this isn't real
you think i see you?
your eyes remind me of my fear
your touch the fire of judgement
your collar that this is merely a lazy distraction
you think i see you?
baby you cannot share my burden with me

behind the pastel smiles
i sit by black and white
i lean by darkness
i wait to fall into the light
because i cannot escape
i cannot
cannot
cannot
run
away

and baby
you cannot share this with me

2007-08-22T23:28:00.000+08:00

"i am a little match in a matchbox, and i burn for you. with all that i have, with all that i am. till i am gone with the wind, i am yours"

Fiona was asking me about writing something mushy for her loveletter. She has to do it for school. She has interesting english classes =)

How about this:
"Father, i am but like a little match in many matchboxes. When i am used and to what end, those are determined by you. But I will not be a spoilt match to be discarded. I will burn for you, with all i have, with all that i am. i am yours. and when i disappear with the wind, to go to you, the God who is unseen, there i will be made new in Your glory and love."

Siti Aminah

2007-08-20T21:22:00.000+08:00

Siti Aminah took care of Maria Hertogh when her Dutch parents fled the country during the war. Maria was later named Nadra, whom Siti Aminah refused from her parents. The court case that followed sparked off the Maria Hertogh riots in the December 1950, Remember?

And this poem injects human emotions into the dry, seemingly detached account of history in your subject textbook. I remember how i frantically memorised last year. No joke at all, my friend.

courtesy of Ms Sandhya.

Siti Aminah
by Alfian Sa'at

So you let the Dutch television station
Into your house,
And the kind Dutch interpreter
Drank your coffee,
Which was all you could offer
Apart from, of course,
Your unhelpful silence
Which grew more stubborn each minute
As the static in your head
Buzzed louder, then turned to a terrible song:
The car ride to the High Court,
The monsoon of fists on the car roof,
The splatter of hands, like blind birds, on the windshield
And Nadra frightened by the beating of your heart;
You closed your mind
To their gentle questions,
What do these people know about love?

let me tell you about my life

2007-08-18T21:59:00.001+08:00

let me tell you about my life

about the fact that i have three excruciating ulcers in my mouth,
and eating is the last thing on my mind
but i still do.
a tremendous lot, and frequently.

I tease Brandon and Leslie about being skinny, and they tease me about being fat.
it seems that eating is, somehow, a form of relief.

about the way tears come without reason
despair rarely does make sense

about the way things seem so much out of control

i failed 2 papers you know

and i completely deserved it

i walked the way hoping serendipity would smile at me when i turned the corner,
but reality rarely hands you a bouquet of roses undeserved

i cannot say why i deserved it, because there are so many reasons.
perhaps the moment i walked away from my notes to, watch Bleach with feverish anticipation, to somehow be released from the invisible cords that tugged at every part of me, there was not going to be a survival plan. Because studying suddenly became meaningless. Something i \ dreaded, something i feared.

why did i work at first? maybe because i believed that i would do better here. i had friends who actually were on the same wavelength as me. things had meaning.

i was in control.

i don't know what's happening. So many things have happened to let me realise that i'm not in control. i can't be. People leave, people let you down. You let yourself down. You cannot expect people to care. neither can you force them to.

i lost a friend this year. something i still haven't got over.
i see him everyday.
and i still can't look at him.
this is what happens when you play with fire.

the hour with my small group is a crisp superficial atmosphere
i didnt rebel, i didnt cooperate
i just went mad.

DD is spiralling toward disaster.
if my committee were political, they'd censor this part off my blog
but my guess is, they wouldn't read this. and they arent political. i guess they don't even care.
if things go wrong
i cannot dare guess where the blame would fall
but what i know is that at that point, pointing fingers is merely a cheap form of excuse, and comfort for the pathetic few who didn't care enough to want to make a difference.

my mother helped me figure things out last night.
pain? oh its still around.
i feel it every time i move my mouth. Every time i open my calender. Every time i pause to look at things hard enough i somehow feel i have failed. she gave words to my feelings, she found the adjectives i have lost. mother always know best. cliches always ring true, disgusting as they may be.

And somehow, this song wraps my wrist with a thread of comfort.

Unintended-Muse
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

i feel like leaving church. confession.

2007-08-12T16:04:00.000+08:00

its hard going back to doing work as always.

friday's girls day out at the beach was fabulous, the weather was wonderful, and the beach was as great as an artificial beach can be! yes. =)

no sunset though, mr apollo just decided to run behind the clouds and hide, much to our disappointment. no pictures yet. waiting for queen joann to pass it to me.

oh well. its a prose lit essay this time, an excerpt from the Landlady by Roald Dahl. Freaky to say the least.

tata.

Oof.

2007-08-08T22:37:00.000+08:00

Oh hoho i feel so stupid. I accepted a virus.

Especially after yiying went into the details of why she wouldnt be stupid enough to accept it anyway. gee.

i watched 2 movies today! Spirited Away and V for Vendetta. Oh well. I need to cleanse my computer. Just know that they both were riveting and fantabulous.

smile! tomorrow is a holiday!

Spirited Away

2007-08-08T14:57:00.001+08:00

Spirited Away

i liked it alot.

its a nice start to the holiday! i'm going to nap now.

2007-08-04T20:27:00.001+08:00

i've let you down.

2007-08-04T20:12:00.001+08:00

What's my number one?

Reexamining my achievements, what I seek to achieve and why things are the way they are.

I'm tired of looking into the faces of those who believe.

Because I am living in the despair of confusion and unbelief. Exams are a good time to see how weak you really are.

The teachers. Stress overload? If you can't take it you better reexamine what you've been doing and how you can change, this is not suppose to stress you out.

How weak you really are.

How weak you really are.

How weak you really are.

Get a life Rachel.

What's my number one?

2 Timothy 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

It seems like I'm going around in circles.

The papers on Monday are sending shivers down my spine.

What's your number one? Because if you don't know, you pass review week with flying colours like a dog who is colour blind.

The Lit Essay

2007-08-03T16:34:00.000+08:00

In an Artist's Studio
Christina Rossetti

One face looks out from all his canvasses,
One selfsame figure sits or walks or leans;
We found her hidden just behind those screens,
That mirror gave back all her loveliness.
A queen in opal or in ruby dress,
A nameless girl in freshest summer greens,
A saint, an angel; — every canvass means
The same one meaning, neither more nor less.
He feeds upon her face by day and night,
And she with true kind eyes looks back on him
Fair as the moon and joyful as the light:
Not wan with waiting, not with sorrow dim;
Not as she is, but was when hope shone bright;
Not as she is, but as she fills his dream.

The Lit Review Week Essay which I messed up.

Time waits for no man? My foot.

I preferred Adriel's interpretation which i totally missed out, it was far more exciting than my offering which had common and mundane written all over it. Death always is more thrilling than talking about love, beauty, obsession. No depth, no depth at all. How awful.

I didnt do the Italian Sonnet Justice.

I wish it weren't about exams.

Dulce Et Decorum Est

2007-08-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

Dulce Et Decorum Est
Wilfred Owen

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori. [It is sweet and honourable
to die for one's country]

Pay special attention to the last paragraph.

Modernism notes and LA examinations tomorrow. Saturated doses of What is art, high art and low art, modernism and post modernism.

Physics, routine methodical exercises of velocity displacement acceleration (retardation (: ), latent heat.

oh the life!

i like the poem, especially the last paragraph, the focus on the individual ladies and gentlemen, and disillusionment to shock the masses out of complacency.

Remember the Dada movement?

Remember modernism?

no?

HORRRRR you're DEAD.

as i am.

2007-07-29T13:11:00.000+08:00

anime and story books are going to cause me an F in my review week.

deaddead i am so dead.

of religion?

2007-07-28T23:40:00.000+08:00

I wanted to post about If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda, but i found this, and realised that I it poem agrees with me more.

of religion? of love.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
Pablo Neruda

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

January Light may signify enlightenment and the awakening of the soul to a new beginning (January), engulfing the persona with the cruel truth, stealing the "key" to true calm, (here, meaning the hope in Love), by exposing him to the fact that Love is not what he always believed it to be.

Its an irony isn't it? The awakening and enlightenment that comes with the January Light that seems to emanate brightness, warmth and delight in the truth, mean harsh cruelty and stealth to the persona.

I perceive it to be a social commentary. In a world where pragmatism and skepticism are rampant, there is the inherent belief of rejecting the faith in human nature and a god because in the social unrest and poverty in many parts of the world developed and undeveloped alike, human nature has failed them and people live in the derision of disappointed hopes. (yet again i quote pride and prejudice)

world peace and universal love are now mere echoes and exist as abandoned far-fetched ideologies categorized under "impossible".

Such is the world I see the persona living in, and yet,

The poet plays on the notion of blind love, that we are all fools in love, and here the persona has not seen Love, yet loves it dearly. The persona, having never tasted the sweet fruit of affection, still has a steadfast hold onto the hope of its existence.

So maybe I am foolish.

But foolishness reap delicious rewards.

how can you be so sure?

Its like the wind, I don't see it but i feel it.
-a walk to remember.

2007-07-27T22:20:00.000+08:00

Its cold

its so cold

like fear and confusion infiltrating every dark corner of your

mind

jagged edges

stab

six swipes

blood

dripping off snowflakes

poison

pernicious

pollution

retaliation?

no.

i always liked to sleep in the cold.

Indieventure?

2007-07-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

Courtesy of Kiron we took car to Parkway =)

Our gross concoction. Left over creamy chicken sauce a la Sheila, plus salt and pepper a la rachel, tobasco sauce a la leslie etc.

Force feeding the big baby.

*gags*

Pasta Mania.

Soundtrack of my summer

2007-07-24T23:51:00.000+08:00

Thunder
Boys like Girls

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa
Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know
Whoa
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone
I don't know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder, and I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

2007-07-24T12:15:00.000+08:00

marketing a product for the postmodern male

man i might go into advertising. playing on the nature of the masses, simplifying the nature of men so you can group together common characteristics, sinful playful manipulation that makes me feel empowered and high above the masses.

They're responding to my bait.

very much like animals really, which is really disturbing.

Ah well. Sleep.

2007-07-23T20:04:00.000+08:00

i love you.

I LOVE YOU, YOU HEAR?

baby please don't do this to me

i am here.

LOOK AT ME.

please..

"so you say"

2007-07-22T21:55:00.001+08:00

"I will answer them before they even call Me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers."

Isaiah 65:24

Then you will heal her in Your time.

us

2007-07-21T00:34:00.001+08:00

I'm praying for interaction

courage

understandingunderstanding do you understand?

direction

from you.

change.

from you and yet

yet, i should love you as you are

but i don't.

not yet.

and my mind swirls as it struggles to define what love can possibly take root

what love more than the love

...than the love

i suppose we have now

consider friendship whichever way you want

no,

no no

nothing just for the experience

i've had enough of those

and the word fling doesn't do you justice although i am really tempted to play with the idea

just to see where it goes

but no,

you don't know how to be there for me yet

you are a man

boy

man

boy man

of a million words unspoken

it takes my breath away when i see them in your eyes

but i thank God

i am a few months too late

light up the sky - Yellowcard

2007-07-19T21:52:00.000+08:00

i really need to go do work now.

workworkwork! work! work!

fake enthusiasm never works when it comes to work.

for music. for nat.

2007-07-19T00:44:00.001+08:00

& I have found joy in music again.

I never imagined that i could find comfort, solace and fun even, in playing the piano.

Banging the keys, laughing at and to myself when I hit the wrong notes and create ruckus. =)

When music is so much like literature,

so expressive

emotive

every single time your fingers touch the keys you produce something different,

like every time you read a poem it means something different

everytime its new

amazing

fresh

where i can interact with the familiar

and yet never get bored

except maybe the moonlight sonata. i've played it 3449342942095 times. =D

for music. for nat. <3

2007-07-18T19:50:00.000+08:00

If I Could Tell You
W.H. Auden

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose all the lions get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

W.H. Auden

so must i.

2007-07-16T17:20:00.000+08:00

when i think

i write essays in my head

which i subsequently lose

as i do everything else.

control, composure, concentration,

sense, sensibility, love and lustre

tenacity and equilibrium

a coupla rotten things happened today. the 's' alliteration rang in my head for most of the day, i use literary devices rather artificially in my work, but it was sorely apt it fit.

sad?sorry.solemn,solitude,summersonnets,sad?sorry.

like footsteps in the sand

lipstick kisses

musk scents

and the orange of autumn leaves

they fade

and so must i.

2007-07-11T21:27:00.000+08:00

i give up. i have nothing to say.

but you are like an afterthought to every moment of my day

i can't explain why

first loves are that way aren't they?

2007-07-09T16:30:00.000+08:00

一个人心中只有一个宝贝

He's Back

2007-07-08T23:17:00.000+08:00

linking arms with and hugging who you should.

he's back.

sometimes love is beyond all explainable reason.

how thankful i am that God doesn't adhere to social convention, popular culture and aligns Himself to the shifting sands of human reason.

because God is love.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

1 John 4:8-12

to you:

2007-07-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

we collide.

i just watched our video, the final product, its wonderful.

really.

i mean i did look like i was laughing for most of the first part, James and I did not look very mushy and lovey dovey. Not the way i thought it would be anyway.

i wanted us to go to east coast and play with sand and water and sit at the breakwater, but that was not to be.

But it was still fabulous. (:

The best scenes were ironically those that we took the least time to film! The 20 minute stint in the classroom, where amos's pencil box starred in every scene. We sat at amos's table, used amos's stationary, wrote on amos's writing paper, with amos's pencil case smiling and waving to the camera crew while James and I were smiling and waving to each other =)

oh and the camera makes me look fat.

but who cares? <3

2007-07-05T18:15:00.001+08:00

Sophia
Nerina Pallot

5 o' clock and a fire escape symphony,
Spilling out across the road and the square,
And the sky's the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me, calling out,
Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning.
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I'm his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.

Passion and silence,
Every word, every line, a measure,
It's the science of the soul,
And his books, they breathe a reason and now I want to know...

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

You, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt but still feel alive, like never before?
Oh, Sophia, Sophia.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

i mull.

i mull.

i ponder everyday where this is all headed.

a continuous half hearted struggle with self-imposed standards. those benchmarks, painfully necessary, achievable only at a distance. discipline is a prerequisite to success and accomplishment they say. discipline, is of paramount importance in education.

it seems, that discipline is a prerequisite to peace in this life these days, i pray for it every night, if i remember.praying for strength to withstand the inevitable onslaught of those numbing headaches, strength to overcome laziness, strength to put aside selfish desires to make use of the time.
but Father i am not strong.

and then i take 2 hours to get started on work and about 4 hours to complete one chinese essay.

now how horrendous is that?

I have tasted the fruits of successful attempts at sustaining short ventures of maintained discipline, a sweet serenity that transcends the reliability of words. Yet success is often few and far in between.

and that dull ache in my heart that i cannot explain.

i am acquiring a taste for music like the one above, i am tired of songs that rant about life, love, in such conventional simplistic manners.

a culture of cliches, conformity at all angles, the magic of music loses its sparkle so quickly these days, although whether the magic ever existed is subjected to personal responses.

oh but ignore the rubbish above, insignificant nothings. gibberish.

magic beyond achievements of life

if only magic were in your little surprises

sweet little thoughts

you make my heart sing

seeing the sun paint your sleeping face a thousand shades of bright gold

you tower over me. you never make me feel small

give me the words i never am able to say

drinking in the love from your eyes

as we dance without music

as we talk without words

as we fly without wings

you will find me someday.

2007-06-30T21:32:00.000+08:00

"I loved you..."

I loved you, and I probably still do,
And for a while the feeling may remain...
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin
Translated by Genia Gurarie, 11/10/95

oh the waste these two days have been! i have not gotten anything done, other than do everything else than what needs to be done.

i ate, slept,
made my mother by shoes that are more expensive than what she's ever needed to spend
made her angry in the process too
which is something i really shouldn't have done

i really am a pathetic little thing

2007-06-29T22:13:00.000+08:00

to die would be an awfully great adventure

its a comfort that i'm starting to enjoy math lessons, and i'm starting to miss my sitting group even as the day draws near where we must part to different ends of our filthy classroom.

its not a swear word mind you, filthy in the literal sense, according to all our teachers.

i wish we could go to the beach this sunday. sorry girls. next time maybe.

as i grow up, i start to put on more feminine characteristics i used to take pride in not having. like shopping, greed for more material items, vanity, cliquish.

we'll see where it goes,

everything needs to have a limit.

but cliquish needs to go, it really needs to go.

Restraint

2007-06-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Sophia - Nerina Pallot

I'm thinking I should post the lyrics, because its beautiful and melancholy. But its not appropriate.

Regardless, I went shopping today (: I'm bankrupt now, officially. But i have lovely earrings muahaha

I will not do anything to separate myself from God

that includes being angry with you.

marshmallow pink

2007-06-22T15:19:00.001+08:00

now listening: Saviour King - Hillsong

quote of yesterday:

"can you take picture with her?" --danitza hon

5 interesting things

1) We freaked out a poor boy at the secret recipe.

No, DANNE freaked the poor boy out.

We were having lunch at the secret recipe and i told her i thought the boy was cute (chummy cute cuz he has a baby face) and his mannerisms so little boyish. I think he's slightly mentally disabled. Yeah I know! Awww.

Yes and guess who victimised him? hahahaha. =)

2) I never thought serious discussions could be so funny.

"YOU HAVE TO DO THIS RACHEL!"

"LISTEN TO ME"

the ever solemn "rachel. you know, if you do this..."

and the exasperated

"RACHEL!! IF YOU DO THAT, YOU'RE GOING TO ______!!!"

Thankyou danni. i love you so much <3

3) We went shopping, I actually wanted to. haha. We didnt visit Espirit though and I really wanted to.

4) I went jogging later in the evening, and something went wrong lah. System went haywire. Maybe its called severe case of unfitness (although I doubt it) or i havent really recovered from the flu.

I had a headache that resembled that time I took an overdosage of medicine. I couldn't get up from the couch, i felt like i had a rock tied to my forehead.

It was not a nice experience.

5) Oceans 13

I couldnt get the first half. The people are freaking MUMBLING and i didnt wear my specs and there werent any subtitles.

It was hilarious though, and it was the subtle, amusing, dry kind of humour.

My kind of humour =)

I love being amused. Seriously.

I loved the last part when that guy was on opera trying to explain why he donated 72 million/billion to orphans on tv. HAHA.

hmm. let's see, what do I get amused by?

ah yes. funky accents, people who can do accents will never fail to make me laugh. of course it depends, you either have to be GOOD or horribly bad and make me laugh. hehe.

snoopy? =)

everything? lol. I was thinking about the tv thing on the way home from the movie and i couldnt help smiling to myself. I think people thought I was crazy =D

Discomfort

2007-06-20T21:32:00.000+08:00

yes, you.

you who takes that morning jog every day, you pass that same couple every day as your feet pad along the gravel and produce thud-thud sounds you try and drown out with your music. you were never one for all things natural. as always, they push a grocery trolley, and they voices are of indecipherable murmurs, and you wonder at the way they never ever run out of things to say to each other.

the lines that dance as their faces crumple into genuine smiles, the kind rarely observable in the life you lead. where the laughable only consists of jokes made at the expense of others, smiles simply white teeth and upturned brows. soulless expressions of nothing. nothing at all. and yet, this...

you wonder at the way they both push the trolley with such ease, how their hands never fail to find each other. how they settle into the comfort of one another's company so naturally, and how the ruckus from morning traffic never so much as creases their serenity.

the song playing is some random classical rock piece of violins, electric guitars and a booming base. they help you maintain your tempo. you bounce in your jog.

you watch expectantly as you approach the familiar bend in the road, and there! you spot a faint shadow.

and yet, only the solitary figure of the man.

you slow slightly, trying to gather your thoughts. you watch his face, any signs of a clue. yet you only see a small smile and a little sparkle beneath those droopy eyelids. his two hands grip the trolley harder than his one hand did, when hers were beside his.

yet the serenity about him remained. oh yes, you spotted some changes, some alteration in mannerisms, he listened more, he had begun scanned his surroundings. maybe when she was around, the only thing he was interested in pushed the trolley with him. now he kept himself occupied with other things of interest. you are intrigued.

should you enquire after her absence? you have always been shy, but this is too much for you to bear. before you can change your mind, you quicken your pace and approach him. you tap his shoulder gently.

"uhh, a lone reed today eh?"

"the missus? oh she left yesterday night"

"left?"

you are confused. you probe further.

"to where i will be too when my time comes"

it sinks in after a moment. you catch his meaning. goodness, you were never good with your languages.

"i am sorry for your loss"

you finally find the words.

"no no no, none of that necessary. she is with me still."

"she is?" you blurt out, not understanding.

"i still feel it, our love. it will never leave me. don't worry about me son, i see it in your eyes. you will come to understand if you come to find someone as beautiful as she."

you study his eyes, which are, you realise, a wondrous shade of hazel brown.

and you believe.

divorce

2007-06-19T22:19:00.000+08:00

listening: Calling You - Blue October

goodbye to the autumn fall
to the red orange and gold
i used to run with my arms wide open
now i run no longer

goodbye to the mist which escapes my lips
to the chilly morning breeze
i used to warm my hands in yours
now i am warm no more

goodbye to the youthfulness of spring
to the blooming wild flowers
we used to waltz in the garden
now you stand alone

i bathe in the sun of summer
i sing to the birds
i reach for new hope
now i am free.

slain;

2007-06-18T16:07:00.000+08:00

I feel quite different, quite brand new.

My journey to be a woman after God's own hard still remains a long arduous one, but at least the barricades have been lifted. Truly, it is your sin that separates you from God, i have never felt the truth burn so fiercely.

I don't think our youth ministry has ever been touched the way it was this camp. Face down worship, praying out loud, praying openly for God's touch.

The fire, the desire, truly, as YMPACT we burned for God that night.

It probably was the best Sunday the Chapel has ever experienced yesterday, I don't think we have ever been more sincere.

My prayer is that we won't turn back from here, that we will continue touching those within the ministry as well as extend our reach to the lost souls outside our church walls. I don't ever want to return to the dreary Sunday worships where we bring our weariness and our nonchalance into the place of worship, and let it linger and continue to tie us down.

I want church to be a place where we are cleansed of our burdens, where we can return to our worlds refreshed, having been touched by the Spirit of God and having experienced true love from Christian fellowship.

<3

debate camp [3] '07

2007-06-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

There's no glam photos since its the first day, ha! I don't think there will be anyway since a) we're not going to sentosa and b) i'm facillitating so i'll be making people do stupid things for me instead of doing them.

MUA HA HA HA =)

Adjudicating was fun and enriching. Its good to be able to observe the debate from that angle. During the second debate, the one with mr wong thai yong in it, half the time i wanted to poi them and the other half i was itching to debate. wah. shiok. hahaha

its nice to be on fire for something again.

for that split few seconds.

was mostly sick today. headache, blocked nose, blocked years, almost got fever.

shall go sleep now. sigh. sleepsleepsleep..

*konk*

she loves you. and its different with me. it has to be.

I remember this.

2007-06-10T00:03:00.000+08:00

BOY: I need someone to talk to ..
GiRL: I'm always here for you.
BOY: I know.
GiRL: Whats wrong?
BOY: I like her *s0o* much..
GiRL: Talk to her.
BOY: I don't know.. she`ll never like me.
GiRL: Don't say that. You're amazing.
BOY: I just wanna tell her how I feel ..
GiRL: Then tell her.
BOY: She won't like me.
GiRL: How do you know that?
BOY: I can just tell.
GiRL: Well, just tell her.
BOY: What should I say?
GiRL: Tell her how much you like her.
BOY: I tell her that daily.
GiRL: What do you mean?
BOY: I'm always with her. I love her.
GiRL: I know how you feel. I have the same problem. But he'll never like me.
BOY: Wait. Who do you like?
GiRL: Ooh, some boy..
BOY: Ooh, she won't like me either.
GiRL: She does.
BOY: How do you know.. ?
GIRL: Because who wouldn't like you?
BOY: You..
GiRL: You're wrong. I love you.
BOY: I love you too.
GiRL: .. so are you going to talk to her?
BOY: I just did.

i have one ridiculous history i tell you. i am so relieved i locked my past blog entries. Seriously.

So singlishified- and epitome of immaturity. I cannot believe you read my blogpost and... -.-

hahaa. ha ha ha.

so funny

i am feeling particularly sardonic today.

you taught me how.

aaron bradley and me

2007-06-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

Flying without wings
Westlife

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete?

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place

It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends

I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

oh the beauty of author god..

the derision of disappointed hopes

2007-06-07T13:26:00.000+08:00

i might as well tell you that things have not gone very well for me
my feelings have degenerated to a despair i don't understand

and i'm supposed to do my chinese now. but to keep my promise, here are the jolly wolly pictures of korea!

I took so long to upload them, i'm feeling so much better lol.

The plane ride. For someone who's only ever taken SQ, the plane ride was quite bad an experience. The chairs were uncomfortable, and the water was murky. If not for Joann and Sheila, I wouldn't have dare brush my teeth ><

My activity group!!! Moses, Jingrong, Van and Yasmin <3>

I love this shot. My activity group leader JR.

The girls!!

The girls!!
These were all taken at a war memorial. The most memorable place of the day for me. You should see the photos cedric thaiyong they all took. Seriously. hahaha. Quite sick. =D

Dinner. Haha. It was goooodddd. =D

Welfare reps!

We were at some reclaimed river. lol. It was beautiful.

Filming team for Collide. Camera people Neha XinYing and Janel. Rachel as Sarah, and Tim as James. =)

Alrighty. This is Minjok Leadership Academy - the most prestigious school in all South Korea. They freaking own a mountain -.- they have a golf course, archery range EVERYTHING!!! 0.0

Its beautiful. How nice, if school were like that everyday.

On another note, the students said that in winter, they actually have blizzards. Hahaha. Funny. =)

Charlie! Day 3 at the Youth Centre. They people there are so versitile. He taught us martial arts, helped with playing the drums and helped at the star gazing too. 0.0 hahaha.

Drums!! Man, this was exhilarating i tell you. =D

Okay i was away at the toilet when they took these. Seriously. I WAS NOT THERE -.-

Lunchtime exploration of the academy grounds. haha. WHEE!

Archery. I cannot make it one. No strength to pull the stupid thing back. haha. =D

<3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_zQHcRJswb48/RmeezXaE3pI/AAAAAAAAAMA/v-0ccogzCf4/s1600-h/P1000749.JPG">After dinner, we went outside to run around for awhile. The spring flora in Korea is beautiful. See? Step one.

step two!!

step three!!

step four!! BLOWWWW!

CLASS PHOTO. (:
We then returned to the academy for star gazing. That's to see the moon. It was quite disappointing cuz it was too cloudy to see much stars. sigh. so unromantic also cuz i was so cold (it was FREEZING) and depressed. cannot remember why also. haha.

Skipping Friday, we went to the folk village on saturday =) hahahaha. I like this shot. The folk village is a place immersed in ancient korea, with houses and bridges and everything done like it was in some dynasty from long ago. It was quite nice =) Serene.

DMZ North and South korea. hahaha. Some nice shot taken there. =)

Seoul Tower.

At another cultural place to watch the performances. Yes.
Leslie's birthday!! 3rd June. <3>

Last day - Zoological Gardens. ahaha. This really romantic spot we found while making our way to the man made breeding pavillion for those little baby animals with no parents. haha. it was a LONG walk. seriously.

and yes, on the way back... hahaha.

Going spastic at Seoul Grand Park. HAHAHA.

GAY TWOSOME =)
hahahaha. i love this shot. =)

Can you believe it? I sat this thing, and 2 roller coasters and the viking ship at the END my goodness. didnt think i would ever do that. i was feeling so accomplished!!!!

0.0 yes 0.0. hahahaha
I think joann injured kailiang and zifeng hands cuz she was squeezing them so tight. kudos to zifeng and kailiang for putting up with all my nonsense. hahahaha. =D

open your eyes rachel!!!

XD

and i missed you throughout.

ah well. i'm glad to be home.

workworkwork. work calls =)

i'm over it

2007-06-06T12:09:00.000+08:00

over it- katherine mcphee
your eyes
i'm over it
your smile
i'm over it
realise
i'm over it, i'm over...

Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.

I was listening to this song most of the trip
overandoverandoveragain.

i will post pictures later.

2007-05-28T10:12:00.000+08:00

Friday: Girls Day OUT!

Muahaha. After doing IMAG, Joann and I left the polar bear on the train and went to bugis to meet sheila and XY. Van turned up later =)

Samuel and Kevin =)

Drool people. Dinner at the Heeren with my mum. SINFUL. =P

SATURDAY! iHOPE!
=) they had some 3 buck ice creams on sale. Expensive, but good. Chocolate with BANANA =)

Nic and my icecream XD

It was time well spent. Most of it anyway. I had some issues with worship, the way it was done, but then i'm missed the point too. I have personal issues with my worship ah well.

Sy Rogers, one of the most engaging speakers i have encountered so far. and all the sex. haha. too much of it, but he tackled many pertinent issues and shared his testimony.

I learnt that in this world, we all are hungry for love. And some people'd rather get bad love than none at all, you know, hence all the trouble. ah well.

I loved the second workshop: shine for Christ.

it was so relevent. i shall go revisit my notes later. =)

SUNDAY
anniversary service. =)

I was very touched yesterday when my grandparents and my aunts were so thoughtful about my trip. i didnt think it would mean much to them, until they gave me money, well wishes, told me to be safe. That's when i started getting quite emo.

i'm learning how to love you better.

"half my mind is me going to miss you"

the last time i went to new zealand, i made a will. hahahaha. but i shant torment myself about the prospect of me dying hahaha. ~~Although i want to look pretty in my coffin. Nice white dress in a bed of white daisies ( the real ones) and my pillow with me.~~

=D

woaini <3

2007-05-25T21:56:00.000+08:00

romeo:
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!

Oh i'm a hopeless sucker for romance. ahahaa.

i shall go watch mansfield park

and hear edmund say: 'There are as many forms of love, as there are moments in time'

i shall go watch pride and prejudice (the one with the cute sheepdog Darcy who is not colin firth haha) and hear him say: 'surely you know, it was all for you'.

ah. romance.

2007-05-23T09:44:00.000+08:00

yo humans.

i'm supposed to be packing my room, but i havent started

and i'm listening to a playlist of 44 songs

i had maggie mee for breakfast {curry flavour i'm killing myself >< }

i'm missing my green pillow

there's no aircon. should i switch on? (:

and i don't want you to leave me. but that's out of my hands now.

i'm not going to know you anymore. argh.

jealousy.

2007-05-19T18:28:00.000+08:00

like me

like junk

black and charred

totally unlike the

strawberry dreams

I have

but what’s this to compare

its junk

he falls down and mutilates himself.

really?

no, not really.

like blood

saline stench

by salted fish

laid dry on the bench

we lay

stained permanent the memories of us

entwined

I’ll kill him tonight.

really?

no, not really.

like masquerade

colour and song

totally turned on

by something other than me

white gloved

hands tempt and tease

insistent

I’ll blind him so he can’t see.

really?

no, not really.

like me

dark dictate desperate

a scene off a horror

film, pandora’s evil, free

sticky like

mud murky mud

say hi to me

I’ll take him tonight

he can’t see

no he’s mine tonight

he can’t breathe

please

he can’t take

I’ll swallow his desires

till he’s

empty.

like me.

2007-05-17T01:10:00.000+08:00

3 words:

sleep
obsessive
headache

3 problems:

lack of sleep
prospect your demise
my obsession with keeping close what does not belong to me

3 goals:

sleep before 12
finish math well
finish IM well

3 things i hope won't happen before then:

i die
i lose all my friends
i fall sick

rachel you're a retard! whoo~

2007-05-15T00:59:00.000+08:00

nat has a beautiful instrumental collection, especially her christian instrumentals.

i was sprawled on the couch, listening to her music, loudly to drown out the drones of the piano near by. i'm going deaf at the rate i'm going. ahahaha. but who cares. everyone's going deaf.

but you can hear the words on my mouth before i speak
but you can hear and track the flow of my emotions
you can hear what i can't hear

and that makes all the difference in the world.

2007-05-13T23:05:00.000+08:00

see, this is why i'm never going to be ready for any form of relational bgr commitment anytime soon.

simply because the one (the ONE) will not be coming anytime soon.

i can feel it.

everything else before that will just be me playing mindless games - which is really cruel i know, but i can't really help it.

but i don't ever mean to hurt you. i'm sorry if i have.

she sits by the stream
spring jumps twirls and dances
the leaves the gentle breeze

ah. haiku. (:

no thankyou, no heartstrings.

2007-05-11T23:35:00.000+08:00

oh gosh what a horrible horrible feeling.

the things you don't understand.

the things i don't understand is, my heart. and the stupid stupid things i do.

that don't tally. with what? with how i feel, how i know what i should be doing, you know all the things that keep you rational.

what's annoying is that i can never decipher my own language. i react in stupid ways. God, i'm so lost.

lostlostlostlost. this is a messmessmessmess.

its all your fault
its all my fault

tomorrow i'll feel fine.

perhaps.

2007-05-10T20:38:00.000+08:00

beneath the soft
pink
ballet
shoes

and your gentle
demeanor
and
the

way your hand
smooths
invisible
materials

behind the facade
of
powdered
cheeks

behind the curtain
of
long
eyelashes

i see the
blistered toes
shattered knees
insecurity.

2007-05-09T21:11:00.000+08:00

my mum just left for japan so i'm feeling lonely now.

talk about dependancy.

someone just broke my baby's heart so my outlook upon like is rather distorted now.

talk about i told you so, but i'll never let you go.

i think i have loads of work to complete so i'm worried now

talk about stupidhead start on your work now, but no... i'm blogging.

if loving you with all my heart's a crime
i'm guilty.

2007-05-07T21:42:00.000+08:00

Piggy Back!! Kompol and Thaiyong (who gets piggybacked by everyone ahahaha)

Chemistry Lesson. Bonding yo!

Eh. I forgot. Where did we go ah? OH YES we were on the way back from Spiderman! muahaha. Look at TY's tortured face. (:

Post School High - bust enhancement hhahahahaha. This happened today by the way. The start of the CAM WHORING SPREE! (:

aMoose, me, andrea, cedric and adriel ><

Cat and Hamster. CHEESE!

i love this shot =)

This is so disturbing hahaha

Ah yes. Photo day. So colourful.

2.4 tmrw and health check. lol. then debate. lol.

i'm going to fall sick.

"but you're so far away from me ><"

<3

snow;

2007-05-06T21:11:00.000+08:00

we did an exercise for the first literature tutorial, writing down the first things that come to mind when she flashed a word on the powerpoint.

when i see this picture, i think: snow.

then icy

then cold

blue

frozen

hard

unable to move

stagnation

snow men are usually lazy. they're usually fat. they crumble under heat. they take the left overs - a carrot for a nose, a broken branch for hands, an old top hat, an old scarf, old buttons

they are created by the hands of men

nature destroys it not because nature itself is destructive, but because snowmen melt

you are not destroyed because they destroy, but because you are destructible.

the spirit of the snowman, when you let things be. when you get lazy, when you settle for leftovers, when you allow yourself to be destroyed.

hear that silent scream.

snow;

let the flakes fall
let them brush
let them kiss your cheeks
let them sweep your forehead

each one something different
each one has a name
sarah? shermie?
snowflake. yes, snowflake.

walk by the frosted trees
their branches stretched high
surrendering to the wind
i wear my windbreaker

shhh it whispers
shhh it whispers soft
shhh it whispers softer
shhh it disappears

again, the specks of blue reappear
again, apollo and his chariot
again, you pause
again you gaze

shhh. watch.

i'm through.

--*

i havent found you.

2007-05-06T00:12:00.000+08:00

vicious temper

i was so touchy and sensitive today.

my mum told me she was going to japan to shoe shop for me.i complained that she didnt know what i liked. then i realised that i didnt know what she liked either. then i realised that i don't know what i like either.

then i got more frustrated.

exercise is supposed to make you happy according to legally blond. 'endorphins make you happy!' lol.

i went swimming. water is therapeutic. i love it.

i was lying on my back and watching the cloudy night sky. no stars, but the sky was a greyish shade of dark blue. i was afloat, cradled gently, no cold breeze, no crowd.

then i went to the edge of the pool. the scene was rather picturesque. photo worthy. pity though, didnt have cam nor phone with me. who brings them swimming -.-

if i become rich next time, i will get me a swimming pool. =)

cry-mandymoore

I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended too soon
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

The moment that I saw you cry

It was late in september
And I've seen you before
You were always the cold one
But i was never that sure
You were all by yourself
Staring at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

I wanted to hold you
i wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....

I'll always remember...
It was late afternoon...
In places no one would find...

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry

oh this is so pointless.

something simple; something new.

2007-05-03T23:59:00.001+08:00

The people who've been scribbling song lyrics on their tables in pencil and erasing them off promptly.

Kompol and his neat thai handwriting (even though i wouldn't know because he's the first i've ever seen write thai), adriel and his cursive.

then there's me and my post-its; courtesy of sharyn. the pink ones are adorable i tell you. adorable small slips of baby pink paper. >

shackles- MaryMary
Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gon lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it anymore

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

take the shackles off my feet. i wanna praise You, i wanna run after You.

2007-05-03T00:24:00.000+08:00

and i thought i would never black! but here i am!

and i'm listening to old songs and doing up a rebuttal sheet for debate on fried food.

i have not managed my time properly in the least. what am i going to do with this life??

its just a cycle of school, my phone, greenpillow-status:missing-, redpillow, worry worry, blahblahblah.

how pointless.

i shall go on a diet cuz i've been eating excessively.

and i shall exercise. (:

i want things to be different, and being the way i am is not going to help anything in the least.

2007-04-30T22:04:00.000+08:00

i tell you ah. i don't like this blogskin. sheesh. but i couldnt stand the other one liao.

this is too red for me. ><

i'm feeling quite miserable with the blogskin. and the daunting fact that i havent started my DEP and i have to finish it by 5pm tmrw.

i have plans man!! i wanted to watch shows and sleep and spend time with my family. doing what we usually do..

like what we did before i lost my life to VJC haha. =)

play boggle! bake cookies! (ingredients i need ingredients)
hmm. just sit around and read books.

i miss playing badminton with my dad.

starlight by muse. i realised that i had it on my playlist a LONG time ago. hahaha.

you know what i want now? i think i want you. but i don't know.

Squint.

2007-04-23T00:10:00.000+08:00

Masquerade, paper faces on parade

Hide your face so the world will never find you.

Almost Here.

2007-04-22T01:32:00.000+08:00

Almost here
Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem

Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind i?d left you
And when I hold you your almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you I'm close to tears
'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

whoo. i always leave you behind. sorry.

getting a grip; feel my pain

2007-04-19T19:29:00.000+08:00

ice cream at taka

2 hours of sleep

in air con

I remember sitting by the computer in the library at SC reading Sylvia Plath with lynn.

I remember intending to watch King Arthur tonight

I remember that I'm supposed to meet danitza and talk this saturday

and listen to a sermon about conversational evangelism

I remember that I need to start studying because all my lessons are flying past my head

I remember that the worse place this mind can go is the lost of direction

I realise that I'm in two places at once

One foot in reality and one foot in a corner of my mind

why?

I don't know.

When I'm caught in a state like this, I don't usually know anything at all.

I found out that the teachers read the students' blog.

and I realised that I don't give a damn.

at this point in my life I don't give a damn about a thing.

I probably would later

I probably would smile tomorrow

I should.

But you see, there's what i should do, and what i'm actually doing

we should have tried on the hats at wisma today, sheila

hi cedric

you heard what you weren't supposed to hear but i don't care.

baby, i love you

and i'm glad that your life's better yiying

thanks for coming over joann

we should have went jogging, but we didn't.

we should have tried on the hats, but we didn't.

what else?

i should have went for debate, but i didn't.

i should have passed my geog, but i didn't.

me against my life.

2007-04-18T19:43:00.000+08:00

words words words, where are my words??

status: confused?

status: upset?

status: upset - yet cannot be bothered?

or

status: give up?

Ah well. Review week - you reap what you sow.

You don't work smart? You work at a snail slow pace, you don't have enough sleep, you let stress get to you - you do badly.

That's that.

Back in SCGS, I could always do my last minute mugging and pull it off. Whoohoo, not here baby, not here. Here, you mug last minute, you DIE.

I realised that my lack of sleep is causing me to miss lesson content, and my stress is causing me to lose hope.

Math: Fail
LA: Barely Pass
HCL: Pass
Bio: Fail

Funny thing, I did well for what I usually screw up for. Ironically, or, worse still, it brings forth no sense of satisfaction in the least.

I think that the only thing that could have made me happy was a really good score in LA, but that was not to be. That was what made me really upset.

And its not because of the mark per se, but the fact that the reason why I fell was simply because I misunderstood the questions, and I didnt put my reader response theories in CONTEXT. I made fundamental mistakes like not answering TO THE QUESTION which was really retarded I thought, considering that this was a total recall paper.

Well done.

And I have no time to breathe, no time to cry, no time to accept it and learn how to move on, no time to get my life right. I have to do my elective homework and worry about NAPFA which is, of course, to most, a stupid thing to worry about.

ranting is an immature activity.

and i'm immature.

yet another tick on the "fail" list.

i do not need a reason to be angry with God

Jaime said this and she was dying from bloody cancer.

I declare war on my life and myself.

at least i have youYouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou.

2007-04-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

Happiness
by Carl Sandburg

I asked the professors who teach the meaning of life to tell
me what is happiness.
And I went to famous executives who boss the work of
thousands of men.
They all shook their heads and gave me a smile as though
I was trying to fool with them
And then one Sunday afternoon I wandered out along
the Desplaines river
And I saw a crowd of Hungarians under the trees with
their women and children and a keg of beer and an
accordion.

2007-04-15T20:24:00.001+08:00

Jesuslovesyouandidotoo.

slacking season

status: over.

but, really, what a way to end it man (:

let's see. I made three cocoa discoveries today.

1) M&Ms DARK
2) Meji Almond Chocolates
3) Royce Champagne

I had alot of the dark m&ms. I think Justin regretted offering me. =D

hmm. spent quality time with a close friend (who screwed up my reputation with Samuel and Imran on MSN -_-) haha.

And. Guess what amazing thing happened on Friday?

SCGS GOT INTO THE FINALS OF THE JGS.!!!!

ahahaha! Praise the Lord!

I was standing outside with the guys watching the debate through the window and making alot of noise. Hahaha. And when they won, it was like YES! YESYESYES!

and, Jon Chong is back, and with long hair. wow. XD

sigh. I must post the picture when i get it from suzy. I don't care. hahahaha. =)

I miss times like these when you can just let time go by and forget the world. Forget obligations, forget schedules, forget time constraints, forget any thing of this sort, any restriction whatsoever.

Spend time alone feeling the breeze carress your face and lace your hair

or with a friend, enjoying the scenery and the silence.

We had a "know thyself" session the other day at East Coast Park and I just sat(and lied facedown and back up etc etc. lol.) down at the breakwater and watched the clouds, listened to the waves, feel the light patter of rain drizzling on my forehead and the nape of my neck.

I must do that again. I should do that often. Haha.

I have to plan a workout schedule, and a study schedule, and a REST schedule.

It seems that I waste all of my rest time on stoning and engaging myself in meaningless activities. Like... eating junk food. and stoning again.

hahaha.

well. here's to a more organised life. and hopefully, a more meaningful one.

=)

Tantrums

2007-04-12T21:04:00.000+08:00

bang bang bang

screamo

whine whine whine

get mad at everyone.

i think i expect too much from people. Especially those I care about and am familiar with.

I'm sorry if i hurt or offended you guys in any way.

breakdown - Chris Draughty.

2007-04-11T00:56:00.000+08:00

I'm in need of meaningful phone conversations to get me through the week.

Where it is not problem ridden, but just plain lighthearted sharing, and laughing and having fun. (: I miss that.

no wait.

I miss HAVING THE TIME and FREEDOM to do that. Considering that I reach home mostly after 6 these few days, i hardly have time and freedom to make phone calls like these.

Also, i need people to talk to. Hahaha. I shall need to start calling my scgs friends.

Well. Back to work now. Ironically, days are really slack, free and easy. Nights are hectic and CRAZY.

SLEEP, i need SLEEP.

2007-04-07T19:34:00.000+08:00

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

i cant imagine what it would be like to have someone like me talking to me

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

the first me refers to sam chan, the second me refers to myself as someone else

Rachel. says:

HHAHAHAHA

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

im quite sure you get it

Rachel. says:

LISTEN TO YOURSELF

Rachel. says:

HAHAHA

Rachel. says:

you funny person

Rachel. says:

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

fine! laughing at me humph

Rachel. says:

pout! POUT! i wanna see sam chan pout. POUT

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

i have problems expressing myself! nooo

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

no you dont

Rachel. says:

POUT!!!!

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

*use some jedi mind trick*

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

you do not want to see sam chan pout

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

*use logic*

Rachel. says:

POUT!!!!!!

Rachel. says:

haha

sc | its these quiet evenings that make me love says:

you do not want to see sam chan pout cuz you'll go blind!

2007-04-07T19:06:00.000+08:00

How does it feel to have darkness gnawing at your soul?

gnawing. I have an affinity for funny feelings, which belong to verbs that sound so eerily real suddenly you feel so right for each other.

like the way mist has wet touch to it, or shock ! has a burst of suddenness to it.

the word to the action and the action to you. it all seems to fit.

fit so smugly like a long lost jigsaw puzzle chip that settles so comfortably with its mate.

smugly is another word i like.

then you wonder, why isn't your life like the pages of the english dictionary-thesaurus?

so filled with meaning, yet not restricted to its denotation but flexible like plastic to its cast, like connotation to life and its contextual complexities.

why isn't there always a reference to something else that can, perhaps shed some new light on a confusing situation? like when flip to page 489 of my oxford dictionary and see the word "movement" - i see references to "action", "activity", "maneuvere".

why do i always feel things i don't understand?

if i'm lucky i find a word for it, and somehow it gives me a certain sense of security. suddenly, i belong to a word, and the word belongs to me.
Like i belong to a God and God belongs to me.

confusing. a cycle of confusion and funny feelings which sometimes have clear cut definitions, or just settle in a grey area of ambiguity.

because if you do, you have alot to learn.

i need an angel.

2007-04-05T23:05:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to be feeling a serious of lighthearted sensations of relief and whatever other relevent adjectives there are in the english dictionary that describe these "ideal" moments in time. why?

review week's over and DONE WITH. yay.

too bad for me, my life is on autopilot screw up mode.

Past the Point of No Return
Phantom of the Opera.

don juan - phantom
You have come here
in pursuit of
your deepest urge,
in pursuit of
that wish,
which till now
has been silent,
silent . . .

I have brought you,
that our passions
may fuse and merge -
in your mind
you've already
succumbed to me
dropped all defences
completely succumbed to me -
now you are here with me:
no second thoughts,
you've decided,
decided . . .

Past the point
of no return -
no backward glances:
the games we've played
till now are at
an end . . .
Past all thought
of "if" or "when" -
no use resisting:
abandon thought,
and let the dream
descend . . .

What raging fire
shall flood the soul?
What rich desire
unlocks its door?
What sweet seduction
lies before
us . . .?

Past the point
of no return,
the final threshold -
what warm,
unspoken secrets
will we learn?
Beyond the point
of no return . . .

Aminta - christine
You have brought me
to that moment
where words run dry,
to that moment
where speech
disappears
into silence,
silence . . .

I have come here,
hardly knowing
the reason why . . .
In my mind,
I've already
imagined our
bodies entwining
defenceless and silent -
and now I am
here with you:
no second thoughts,

I've decided,
decided . . .

Past the point
of no return -
no going back now:
our passion-play
has now, at last,
begun . . .
Past all thought
of right or wrong -
one final question:
how long should we
two wait, before
we're one . . .?

When will the blood
begin to race
the sleeping bud
burst into bloom?
When will the flames,
at last, consume
us . . .?

BOTH
Past the point
of no return
the final threshold -
the bridge
is crossed, so stand
and watch it burn . . .
We've passed the point
of no return . . .

i love this song. (:

2007-04-02T16:00:00.000+08:00

how about the hardest math paper i've ever faced in my entire life?

how about getting a mind block and panicking so much that you have to pray and pray and talk to yourself to calm yourself down and BEG yourself to continue?

i absolutely abhor that feeling.

jittery jitters and stress that is like a noose around my neck; makes my knees go week, my vision blurry. i was stuck in a daze for about 5 mins after i handed in my paper. took loud music, walking to the bus stop, and a NAP on the bus to shake the feeling away.

stress and panic does crazy things to me. i had strong urges to faint, grab the person next to me (brij) for i have no idea what reason, and just running outside and jumping off the ledge. which would just make them send me to IMH and give me a few scrapes and bruises.

as it is, i'm supposed to start on my bio, but i don't feel like it. and i havent started so i'm kind of in suicide mode now.

i love replying emails. i love the rush of sugary expectation when i type "mail.google.com" and i auto sign in and there are new emails for me to reply.

especially when they're really sweet and cheery. haha.

anyway. i shall go nap abit now to recharge mind body and spirit and chiong bio later.

make new glasses, take photo for my i/c. i hope i have the time to go tonight.

before that, something from yiying's blog --

6 weird things about myself and tagging 6 others. HMM.

1) i get random headaches
2) i wear pyjamas and i'm proud of it
3) i'm a bookworm who doesn't read
4) i love rooftop escapades
5) i'm addicted to a green pillow. its my drug.
6) i'd love to sleep on my own shoulder

tagging --
-danne
-dav
-amoose
-sam c
-edmond (email me(: )

i know people like napping on my shoulders. so i'd love to see how my shoulders feel =D so weird right? hahaha.

call me when you're sober;;

sweet15

2007-03-31T23:47:00.000+08:00

Phantom of the Opera.

Tempting me with Mrs Fields. ><

The view from where we were seated. The chandelier! (:

31.03.07

don't you love those moments when all you can do is smile

cuz sweet sensations are penetrating every fibre of your body and it just bubbles up to the brim of your throat and bursts forth

your eyes shine, your lips tremble

if someone were to squeeze you, they'd be able to absorb the silvery fluttery feeling

thanks to everyone who made my day, especially the precious letters

and the priceless email_ (:

<3

spasms.

2007-03-30T13:07:00.000+08:00

i'd like to say that i predicted this, but that'd be a half truth.

I've been waking up with a sore throat everyday for the past 2 weeks and ignoring that symptom because it wears off after some time.

I was coughing like a dog for most of yesterday, and sneezing like a cow. odd enough comparisons, i know.

i can't find my glasses and its not in school. >< style="font-style: italic;">may cause drowsiness" that is a SEVERE understatement. i can't think straight, can't walk straight, having muscle spasms, cannot feel my head, blurry vision.

i woke up at 6 something this morning, my body clock. haha. the slept till 9. then took medicine after breakfast and slept again. -.-

i feel so piggy-ish. and i HAVE to start on my work.

i'm afraid i can't find my glasses and be a blind mouse tonight at the Esplanade. Ah well. Yiying can be my eyes.

i'm not sad, i can't feel my head. i don't feel miserable, i don't even know what i'm feeling. i just know that all i can think about is review week and the fact that i havent really started...

and that i'm missing VJ sports day. which, i'm confident, is supposed to be the best i've ever experienced if i were there.

and seeing that i can't exactly think straight, you have to forgive me for the nonexistent organization in this post.

to math. and whatever else that entails.

i will testify to love.

2007-03-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

A picture speaks a THOUSAND WORDS.

And i got TWO (:

i can't be bothered to photoshop enhance the image. (:

another angle. (:

thankyouthankyouthankyou dearie. (:

ARTS DAY

I remember the last time i did clay modeling - the pig turned BLUE. -_- then it broke. I think my sitting partner broke it. haha. So. ENCORE baby!

BEFORE!

AFTER!

hehehe (:

Nice right right righttt? But the handle looks awful lol.

well. i need to mug, really. i've been slacking and its really bad. Math on the first day!!! =(
how nice, birthday before review week. ><

Beep by Pussycat dolls is nice =D

Outsider's Insider Opinion

2007-03-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

1. Hot seat in Parkway Food court.

I had one of the best bean curd i have ever had in my life. oddly enough, from a store that sells laksa and mee rebus. An odd combination, but the laksa was good and the bean curd fantastic (: Kudos to Kenrick for the recommendation. LOL.

Then koped fel's tang yuan which was SO NICE. And i had no appetite before that. Ah well.

They asked me questions, laughed/0.0-ed at my answers. Fel so big reaction somemore. Wah. A bad place to have hot seat cuz what's said's not supposed to go out, yet we're in an OPEN environment with PEOPLE around. wow.

but i feel loved. and that's enough. (:

2. Review week.

which is in 2 weeks time. havent started studying.

i miss the weekly tests in scgs. i actually miss them. i am mad. but at least i know i was learning things.

my greatest fear: MATH =( and everything else.

hahaha.

3. THW ban cars from entering the central areas of major cities

acsi vs vip AT acs barker.

what ever will be will be.

4. Pep Talk

From all the debate seniors about my issues. How does one know how to deal? Pray? God will make a way?

I need outsider's insider opinions. Things that actually relate. People who actually care. And you do. So thank you.

How to deal?

4

2007-03-21T20:58:00.000+08:00

Rachel.
40 months; its gonna be over in 4. (ahh! they don't have hot pink here! -.-)

drugs - 你是让我心疼的可爱女人
it better be over in 4

i hate headaches. really i do. i should bring a jacket to school but I KEEP FORGETTING. -.-

wahh. FREEZING in my corner. if only green pillows could become jackets too. i wouldn't mind.

i'm going to let go slowly. so that when things cease to exist as they are, it won't hurt like its hurting now. friggin headaches.

Headache

2007-03-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

you expressed it perfectly.

i never was good at being straight with you. Nor with anybody.

Suffer in silence. yahoo.

Contradictory feelings

2007-03-18T18:17:00.000+08:00

one Year six Months
Yellowcard

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you ,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you, and things we used to do

"So I will not forget. I will not forget"

you know, when you're caught in a web of sticky chocolate intoxicating love, and you cannot see beyond your infatuation, your world's like this sweet tangled mess. and you're addicted.

there's this great distance between you and reality, you bend and break all the rules. you give in to senseless moments of temptation. you sink deeper into the fondue.

then it ends.

then you're so unwilling to leave. you cry.

you cry alone.

you cry together over the phone. making stupid promises about not forgetting, about this about that.

then you start to forget.

oh how liberated i feel.

then you start sinking into more tangled messes.

life. haha. so its life.

soccamp

2007-03-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

Parliamentary debates! The government pushes for the motion of legalising incest. (3454tfgdkjdkjdf hahahaha) Bryan Chan, Andre Kua, Reema and myself are the backbenchers. I.e, we support the motion but oppose the method. what's at stake: anything we want for dinner. we agreed on barcadi breezers.

you know. when you're stuck with a coupla horny notorious cat high boys with a motion like that and we are supposed to come up with creative ways to implement the policy, you get things like : make them have sex with doctor's supervision or have public castration if they break the law.

Haha, or only homosexual incest. no heterosexual. hahaha. breaking all the rules at once. =D

We earned our breezers. but we didnt get it.

oh well. haha.

There's kenrick speaking for the government pushing for LEGALISING INCEST. hahaha. They have to register at the ROM and they will be responsible for taking stringent measures to check on the possibility of genetic diseases. hahaha.

oh. try and ignore andre's face. =D

Oh and that's the pool room. they taught me how to put my hand on the table. that complicated gesture. haha.

ah yes. then was the negotiation exercise.

we were somehow, by FATE (God) stuck in the same team again! lol. and we were terrorists.
damn funny i tell you. we got 77 hours to get out of the country by helicopter, by the government. hahaha. we were like, we can WALK home! ahahaha.

and we were supposed to get 6 of the political prisoners out and we got 4.5 out in the end. Zhihui (government) conceded half of kenneth kang. the upper half. they keep his lower half in their maximum security prison.

-.- so lame. LOL

~~Shida Felrin.~~

anyway.

i'm tempted to post the video i took of the "new debate cheer" that Imran so heartily condemns. we went to a "food centre" to eat and they were like screaming the cheer and the rest of us were like "we don't know you." hahahahaha. XD

Anyway. JGS next friday.

THW ban private cars from entering the central areas of major cites

ACSi vs Victoria Junior College

~~This is going to be fun.~~ :(

Oxymoronic expressions yours truly.

4 blister disasters on right foot = limping.

4+1 (by stupid nike shoes) = 5 on right foot.

4+1+1(on left foot) = 6 blisters on two feet.

i can't get over it. i still can't get over it. i can't walk properly. i can't get over it.

=D

should play more often.

Brraannngggg

2007-03-16T00:18:00.000+08:00

Soccer and captain's ball on a basketball court + barefoot = blisters.

scared they get infected.

the last time i played soccer was last year during PE where we Debbie did her hat trick. (: so cool lah.

I miss scgs PE. Softball, touch rugby (WE WON), volleyball. the likes.

i'm supposed to either be doing my IH or sleeping. And i'm doing neither.

Sleep. Yes. Sleep.

me connaissez-vous ?

2007-03-14T00:44:00.000+08:00

I was reading through my past posts and realised that I miss my old style. Haha.

Nowadays, my posts are not well thought through, but rather more toward the spontaneous bright chirpy side I try to demonstrate everyday. To some extent, it is fictitious and quite contrary to what I feel inside.

But you know what they say, that happiness is contagious. I realised that if i smile, and bounce around, slowly, it comes naturally. Its a good thing.

And when things like these fail, there's always my trusty green pillow.

Now, will you look at that!

I remember, 2 years ago, i used to try to sketch like that because i was obsessed with stargazing. I loved stars, and the prospect of sitting on cool dew filled grass and look at the stars.

I went to New Zealand, it wasn't fantastic, but still amazing nonetheless.

Just the other day, from JGS, Lis, Moose and I were walking toward the bus stop. I noticed that there were no stars that night and voiced my thoughts out loud. hahaha. funny.

Now? Haha. Such little fantasies just don't occupy me anymore. 40 months remember?

Till then, i shall try not to think about such lovey dovey nothings. hahaha.

But then I've been blessed, with friends. Friends who are so ready to love me, and this makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. All the time. All the time.

Comprenez-vous ? Je t'aime. Je t'aime.

Dear Life
Antony Hamilton

Early was the morn, flowers filled with dew,
I became somebody, through loving you.
Softly as a child, born in natural rain,
I predict the seasons, to go unchanged.

Sometimes in life,
You run across a love unknown,
Without a reason, it seems like you, belong.
Hold on Dear Life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody, through loving you.

Warm was the sun, that covered my body so.
Reminded me of you, as I’d first known.
Those were the days, the days, that changed my life, and made me new,
I became somebody, through loving you.

Sometimes in life,
You run across a love unknown,
Without a reason, it feels like you, belong.
Hold on Dear Life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody, through loving you.

As the sun shined, down on me,
I know with you in love is where I wanna be,
Oooh sometimes, I go on through life,
thinking that love is something that’s not meant for me,

Somebody, somebody.

Hold on dear life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody, through loving you.
I became somebody, through loving you.
Oh, I became somebody, through loving you.

If you want the song, ask me. I send via msn.

Endearing Simplicity

2007-03-12T19:38:00.000+08:00

I miss the real camp. I miss all the kids.

Things were much simpler then. Not as complicated as 15 year old rubbish.

aaahhhhh.

had lunch with lynn danne and joani today. heh. pie, and american takeaway and japanese octopus balls. =) sitting around the fountain. heh.

and drank coke. coke never tasted so good.

Quack

2007-03-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

I've forgotten how to be a duck.

I used to be a duck. Now i've been brainwashed into believing i am a hamster.

who came up with that? i demand that you own up.

i use to quack randomly. just because i couldnt conjour up any thing to say.

i even made up a song about ducks and quacking. waddle waddle waddle waddle quack quack (:

now i just bury my face in the green pillow.

and listen to the donald duck song kenrick sent me just to remind myself how cute ducks sound.

i don't know how to be a hamster. even cedric scratches his cheeks better than me. and he's a cat! (or a squirrel.)

our class has a bunch of really confused animals. (:

i'm waking up at 6.45am tomorrow. and i think i'm sick.

i haven't started on my homework.

but i went shopping today

i felt like it, but i was very grouchy.

hmm. i think i've been that way for most of today. that's kinda bad.

i should go.

i shall.

i think i'm not good enough.

3 months and 8 days

2007-03-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

3 months have flown by. I have felt free, liberated, light as a bird.

For most part of it anyway.

Because when you are free of infatuation, you don't get hurt. I had enough of those stupid sinking feelings people could give me. The sinking feelings of hurt i had to hide.

its painful to keep your emotions inside.

its a self-destructive force

a soft and slow death.

and its beginning all over again.

i'm going to run.

and i'm not going to care.

hearts, flowers, smiles and dreams

2007-03-06T20:52:00.000+08:00

如果我爱上你的笑容,
要择么收藏要怎么拥有？

Really, I don't know how else to express how I feel.

i'm out of options.

2007-03-05T18:50:00.000+08:00

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!

Amen

Eph 3:20,21

how many times does one have to make the same mistake

face the consequences

to learn

to act with experiential maturity

i have this skewed perception of the world as it is, I make inconsiderate assumptions, and I do stupid things.

don't think that just because you're wearing rubber gloves, you can bare all the copper wires, and endanger the people out there.

don't think that just because you have learnt the hard way, you can subject others to those lessons as well.

don't think that just because God has sealed your heart, you have the basis to behave whichever way you want

their hearts are not sealed like yours

i have been so blind.

Father, i have been so blind.

sneak peek.

2007-03-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

i'm supposed to be doing my LA now, i'm being debriefed by my coach online, and i'm blogging.

english has never been so difficult for me. LA's supposed to be english, and for two years, it has only consisted of comprehension, summary, argumentative essays, narratives, descriptive whatever nots, and oral, which i never really had a problem with from the start.

So when you bring in class discussions on philosophic theories on how we decipher meaning of texts, its like turning the whole literature process upside down.

What we did for sec1 and 2 literature was decode steinbeck and shakespere and answer questions to understand and explore the many themes the author addresses and in turn present our interpretations of it (we were of course made to follow the teacher's guidelines). We learnt about metaphors, alliterations and other literary devices, to study the effects of the way the text is formed, its implications on the general meaning of the text itself and how to apply such literary devices in our writing.

Now, what I'm doing is going behind all that to understand the effect this has on the meaning making process. Like, author god, reader response theories and the power of a text. Its all really complex. I spent 1 or 2 hours or even more, going back and restudying all that because I had a mind block.

I always get mind blocks. GRr.

Its quite trying on my ego because i've never had problems with english before.

I failed my first argumentative essay. I know why i failed it, hahaha, it was that moment of sharp realisation that gave me a good shake, knock on the head and said, Rachel, you're not all that. LOOK! Not coherent in the presentation of your arguement. No organisation! No linkages. It was particularly embarrassing since i'm a debater and the topic was the media and whether it contributes to violence in society. Just the other day, we did something about the media being too powerful.

Ah life.

The way God humbles you.

So i better start on my LA.

A sneak peek into my life. See how far you can sneak, see how far you can peek. See how much you know me. See how much you care.

i dare you to move.

frequency, intensity and self-control

2007-03-02T22:17:00.000+08:00

its those eyes
i stare and i
look away
because i'd
hate to play
that game again

its saying
40
40,
20,
40
over
and over
and
over
again and it never seems
to be driven
init
seems easy at firstbut
i feel weak
now.

i'm dangerous when i'm weak.

maybe one mistake causes
the lines of
love
to be blurred
at 15
16
17
18
canweclaim
to understand
what
it entails?

i touch your hands
i say
what?i don't remember
but i thought
i won't let me get
tangled

no i won't
i think?
i think

40
20
40
20
20
40
40
i gave inbecause
i thoughtyou worthy
mature

don't fail me.
don't fail you.

<3

2007-02-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

Guess who came to church today?

haha.

Guess who learnt Shaun's underwear song?

(:

Guess who played Nic's signature Ding Dong with the girls today?

(:

We played the piano while someone was playing drums while someone was breakdancing. haha. (: Phantom of the Opera that sounded HORRIBLE. it was random banging of keys, but it was really fun! heh. Right? (:

"We stand and lift up our hands
for the joy of the Lord is our strength!"

Ref to Previous Post.

2007-02-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

1)42 smses today. well done. that's alot.

I once did 200 hundred in 2 days. heh.

2) movie today. AFTER i did my elective homework in school. made all the peeps wait for me HEH.

3)not called anyone yet.

ahahaha. today was the first ever cross country i have ever taken part in. 580 babyy! heh. it really sucks btw, but i had alot of fun. heh. esp the last part when i dragged shenn lin to sprint all the way back with me, whoa, adrenline rushhh! could run so fast, did not feel tired, very high with oxygen to the brain heheh.

Then i got the sniffles. haha. but that's besides the point.

haha..

okayokay. should go now.

A few things

2007-02-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

A Time for EverythingEcclesiastes 3:1-14
New Living Translation

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

- to starfish.

A few things:

1) NO SMSES
this month's crazy, i hope i didnt exceed too much. all m1 customer's fault. WHY CANT EVERYONE BE SINGTEL SO I HAVE FREE 1000 SMSES???? =(((

boohoo. poor me. i'm just too popular eh? =) heh

gee. 1155 smses. no joke huh.

2) i gotta get my life back.

so i shall read storybooks =) or rather FIND the time to read storybooks

3) SAVE MONEY

so i can subscribe to the economist without feeding on my mum's money. the ST is really getting boring..

4) make sure my daisies don't die. =) *insiders info required. (:

5) exercise.

6) be more responsible.

like, for example, don't go watch movies when there's elective homework to do =) AND don't play bridge when there's homework to do so you don't have to sleep at 1am.

7) be more self conscious.

esp out of VJ haha.

8) call yiying (:
yes you darling yes you. haha.

9) call eleanor.

10) call mondy.

count your fingers and toes, that's how long it'll take to let you go.

don't break my heart now. (:

i'm not letting it go to any one of you

2007-02-17T12:55:00.000+08:00

i feel dreary.

maybe that's only because the sky's darkening and it feels as if its going to rain.

or maybe that's only because i am yet to buy shoes to go with my new clothes for chinese new year.

maybe its because the thing that caused me the most headache these few days was ACTUALLY shopping for chinese new year! I get stressed out by the weirdest things. i don't exactly like shopping.

maybe i'm still adjusting to the expectations the school has of me, the expectations my friends in and out of school have for me. expectations i have doubts about being able to fulfill.

maybe its simply because i'm just lazy.

maybe its the fact that i'm losing touch of myself and becoming more and more like somebody i DON'T recognise. maybe that somebody i don't recognise, is somebody i don't like.

the sky is STILL dark.

i went back to sc yesterday, met sarah, debbie, lynn and yingli and subsequently played bridge in acs barker, got lost trying to find the primary school staff room in the secondary school block, and eating a whole bag of peanuts.

yes. peanuts. hamster. *bows* thankyou very much. hahaha.

lynn treated me to cafe cartel yesterday! whoohoo.

she reminded me about things i have forgotten. memories i don't feel at all guilty about losing. haha. letting go is such bliss.

(:

Now, life calls for the correction of my behaviour. i should spend more time with some people, and spend less with some.

Did i tell you that i lost the first debate i ever did representing VJ? did i tell you that its probably the most upsetting lost i have ever encountered in my life?

haha.

but i'm over that now. but i made tons of stupid mistakes. Shirin was there. ah well.

whoever said losing was easy.

the sky's brighter now, but it just started raining. how weird.

i'm not letting it go to anyone of you.
my heart is under lock and key.

Leave me alone

being sick

Pablo Neruda

For You I Will

Post Auditions

Siti Aminah

let me tell you about my life

Oof.

Spirited Away

The Lit Essay

Dulce Et Decorum Est

of religion?

Indieventure?

Soundtrack of my summer

us

for music. for nat.

so must i.

He's Back

1 John 4:8-12

to you:

Restraint

marshmallow pink

Discomfort

divorce

slain;

debate camp [3] '07

I remember this.

aaron bradley and me

the derision of disappointed hopes

i'm over it

jealousy.

no thankyou, no heartstrings.

snow;

i havent found you.

something simple; something new.

Squint.

Almost Here.

getting a grip; feel my pain

me against my life.

Tantrums

i need an angel.

sweet15

spasms.

Meta

Outsider's Insider Opinion

4

Headache

Contradictory feelings

soccamp

Brraannngggg

me connaissez-vous ?

Endearing Simplicity

Quack

3 months and 8 days

hearts, flowers, smiles and dreams

i'm out of options.

sneak peek.

frequency, intensity and self-control

<3

Ref to Previous Post.

A few things

i'm not letting it go to any one of you